i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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