Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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