Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
