That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
