just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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