This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
