My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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