Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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