I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
