I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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