a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
