So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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