You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
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He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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