No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
not ubering you a puppy
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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