The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
