I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
