My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
