so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
