my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
