So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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