a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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