You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
