apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
