Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
