I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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