You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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