He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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