hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
