OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
