I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
