the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
