we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
