Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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