hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize