He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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