im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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