I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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