You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
