Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
