i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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