i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
