Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
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Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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