Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
