why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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