The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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