New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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