I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
