You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
