god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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