How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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