Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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