I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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