I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
