he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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