My underwear smells like fireworks.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
