Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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