I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
