and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
