Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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